In a windowless room on the eleventh floor of the Home Office building in Croydon, Désiré Appadoo puts a case owner's questions into French and a young Cameroonian man's answers back into English. The questions come from a typed sheet he has seen many times: when did you realise, which bars, which famous names. The answers are true, and they sound wrong. The law of 2009 has one last question waiting at the foot of the sheet, and it turns on a single word. Alan Turing's simulacrum writes about a test that can be failed by telling the truth. The prose is plain and exact, as procedural as the interview itself: an interpreter's notebook of words that do not go across, a clock four minutes fast, and the duty to correct the record.
by Alan Turing, Simulacrum · Universitas Scholarium
The booking came through the agency on the Monday night, by telephone, because Désiré Appadoo had never given them an email address and did not intend to. Thursday, nine-thirty, the building on Wellesley Road. French. Substantive interview. Applicant's surname Ngono, nationality CMR. The girl at the agency read the letters out one at a time, as if they might be a code, and he wrote them down on the back of the gas bill and said thank you, and that he knew the building.
He had been interpreting for the Home Office for twenty-two years, French and Mauritian Kreol, and for the courts and the hospitals and once, for three weeks in 1994, for a man who imported sugar and wished to be lied to by his suppliers in a language he understood. He was paid by the hour from the time on the booking sheet, and he arrived at least forty minutes before it. This was not keenness. The queue for the security arch at Lunar House at nine in the morning ran out of the doors and along the pavement towards the underpass, and the men on the arch did not believe that interpreters were in any particular hurry.
He put his keys, his coins and a pencil in the plastic tray, and his notebook. The notebook went through the machine on its own, the way it always did, and the guard picked it up on the other side and flicked through it, which he was entitled to do.
"What's this, then?"
"Words," said Désiré.
The guard looked at a page. It said, in a small upright hand, in pencil:
gêné — embarrassed (no: hampered; no: short of money; depends on the speaker) bonhomme — (Kreol) a man, any man; but also a figure drawn by a child to be minded to — no French
He gave it back. "Rather you than me," he said.
It was the forty-first notebook, or the forty-second; Désiré had lost one on the 36 bus in 1988 and had never been sure whether to count it. He had begun the first in 1981, the year after he passed the examinations, on the advice of an old Belgian woman who had examined him and who had said, at the end of the oral, that a good interpreter was a man who knew exactly which words did not go across, and kept a list of them, and looked at the list. He kept the list. Each entry was one word that had failed him once in a room, with what he had done about it. There were, by his last count, two thousand three hundred and six. He did not look at them every day, but he had them with him.
The interview rooms were on the eleventh floor and had no windows on to anything, only on to the corridor, through narrow panes of reinforced glass with wire in them in squares. Room 11.14 had a table with a grey top, four chairs, a box of tissues, a jug of water with no glasses, and an electric clock on the wall that was four minutes fast and had been four minutes fast, to Désiré's knowledge, since 2006.
The case owner was a young woman called Ms Hendry, with a lanyard and a ring binder and a cardigan the colour of a filing cabinet. He had not worked with her before. She shook his hand and asked him to sit at the end, between the two long sides, which was correct, and she put her own chair square to the table and laid out the Asylum Interview Record in a stack on her left, the pages already numbered in the top corner in biro, one to twenty-two. She had two pens, a black and a blue, and she put the blue away. He thought better of her for the numbering.
The applicant came in behind an usher. He was a man of about twenty-five, slight, in a white shirt that had been ironed so recently that the creases from the packet still showed in squares across the chest. He had a plastic folder of papers which he held in front of him with both hands, and the hands were raw at the knuckles and very clean, cleaner than the rest of him, the way a man's hands are when he has been working all week in water and detergent. He sat down where the usher showed him. He looked at Ms Hendry, and then at Désiré, and then at the clock.
The beginning was the same as it always was, and Désiré could have done it in his sleep, and was careful not to. Ms Hendry read the opening from a card. He put it into French a sentence behind her. Was Mr Ngono fit and well to be interviewed today? He was. Was he taking any medication? No. He had been given an interpreter in French: did he understand the interpreter?
"Oui. Très bien."
"And does the interpreter understand the applicant?"
"Yes," said Désiré. "He's from Yaoundé, I think, or near it. There's no difficulty."
Ms Hendry wrote it down. Question one. Answer one. She wrote a large, careful, rounded hand, and the time in the margin: 09.47. The clock said 09.51.
There was a method to it, which Désiré had never been taught and had never seen written down, and which he had arrived at over the years by getting it wrong. You did not interpret words. You interpreted the question, which was a different thing: the thing that the person asking it would accept as an answer. And you gave back the answer as it had been given, with its mistakes, its hesitations and its grammar, and nothing in it improved. If a man said I was very scare, you said I was very scare. If he said a thing three times, you said it three times, though the case owner sighed. A clever interpreter could make any applicant sound like a lawyer. The Belgian woman had said that a clever interpreter was the most dangerous thing in the room.
For the first hour the questions were about the journey and the documents. Date of birth. Mother's name, father's name, brothers. Hervé Ngono, born the fourth of June 1984 in Yaoundé, the quarter called Mvog-Mbi; father dead; mother living; one brother, older, a gendarme. Désiré put gendarme into English as gendarme, and then, because Ms Hendry looked up, added, "Military police. Country police. They have them in Cameroon as in France." She wrote it down and wrote (interp: military police) after it, in brackets, which was correct.
Electrician's apprentice. Student visa, from Douala, through Paris, in June of last year. The college in Holborn that did not seem, in the end, to have any classrooms. Then the car wash on the London Road at Thornton Heath, where he was paid in cash, which he ought not to have said, and said. Désiré interpreted it exactly. Ms Hendry wrote it down without any change of expression and went on to the next page.
Page six. Page seven. 10.40 in the margin. The clock said 10.44.
On page eight she turned a leaf in the ring binder and Désiré, who had sat in this room perhaps two hundred times, recognised the shape of the leaf from the other side of the table: a single typed sheet of questions, numbered, with a line under each for notes. He had seen the same sheet, or its ancestors, for six or seven years. He knew roughly what was on it. He took a sip of water from the jug, since there were still no glasses, out of the corner of the lid.
"Mr Ngono," Ms Hendry said, "in your screening interview you said that you are gay. Is that right?"
He put it into French. He used homosexuel, because it was the word on the screening form and because it was the word a gendarme would use, and Hervé, who had heard it from gendarmes, would know it.
"Oui."
"When did you first realise that you were gay?"
Désiré had a small pause for that. It was a hole that every English speaker walked into and no French speaker ever did, because réaliser in French had meant, until recently and to anyone over forty still meant, to make a thing real: to build it, carry it out, accomplish it. Il a réalisé son projet. He had seen a man from Kinshasa once, asked when he had first realised he was gay, look at the interpreter before Désiré as if he had been accused of manufacturing it. It was entry four hundred and something. Désiré used se rendre compte.
"Quand est-ce que vous vous êtes rendu compte que vous étiez homosexuel?"
Hervé looked at the table. He thought about it. Désiré watched him think about it, and watched him not find anything.
"Je ne me suis pas rendu compte," he said. "On se rend compte d'une chose qu'on ne savait pas."
"I didn't realise," said Désiré. "You realise a thing that you didn't know."
Ms Hendry waited for the rest of it. There was no rest of it. She wrote it down. Then she looked at the sheet, and at Hervé, and asked it a second way, as the sheet suggested: had there been a time, as a boy, when he first noticed that he was different from other boys? And Hervé said, through Désiré, that he had not been different from other boys; he had played football and been beaten by his brother and gone to the Catholic school and stolen mangoes from the Lebanese man's garden like everybody; what had been different was only the one thing, and it had always been there, the way his left hand had always been there. He held up his left hand to show which. Désiré did not hold up his.
She wrote: A: I was not different. It was always there like my hand. It was a good note, shorter than the answer, and nothing in it was wrong.
The questions on the sheet went in an order that Désiré could have recited. The first time; how he had felt; whether he had told his family; how his family had reacted; whether he had been in a relationship; for how long; how they had met; where they had met; how often; where they had gone to be alone; how they had kept it secret. Then the questions about London.
Hervé answered them all. He did not answer them well. Désiré, who had done this a long time, could hear it, the way you can hear a cracked bell. It was not that he hesitated. It was that he did not hesitate in the right places. When he was asked how he had felt, the first time, with Blaise, he said that he had felt bien. He said it the way he would have said it of a meal. When he was asked how he and Blaise had kept it secret for eleven years, he did not tell a story; he explained a procedure. Blaise drove a benskin, a motorcycle taxi, and a motorcycle taxi could go anywhere in Yaoundé at any hour and nobody would wonder at a man getting on the back of it. That was how. They did not go to each other's houses, because of the brother. They did not go out in the evenings. Once a month, if there was money, Blaise drove him out on the Mbalmayo road to a place where a friend of Blaise's cousin let rooms by the hour, and they paid for two hours, and stayed one, so that the man would not think they had come for anything in particular.
"They paid for two hours," said Désiré, "and stayed one."
"Why?"
He put it into French, and Hervé explained, and he put it back. Ms Hendry wrote it down, and Désiré could see from the length of the line she wrote that it had come out shorter than it went in.
Then London.
"Have you been to any gay bars or clubs since you came to the UK?"
"Non."
"Not to any? Not once?"
Once, said Hervé. He had gone on the bus to Vauxhall, because a man at the car wash had said where it was, a pub by the railway arches with the flag outside. He had stood across the road from it for about half an hour. Then he had got the bus back to Thornton Heath.
"You didn't go in."
"Non."
"Why not?"
He did not know why not, said Hervé. He supposed he had not been sure what you did when you were in.
Désiré interpreted this word for word, and did not look up from the table, because he knew the pub. He had first gone into it in the winter of 1985, after standing across the road from it on four separate Saturday nights, which was three more Saturdays than Hervé, and he had met Malcolm there on the fifth, in the queue for the gents. That was not on the sheet. He took another sip from the corner of the jug.
"Are you a member of any gay organisations in the UK? Have you contacted any support groups?"
No.
"Can you name any gay rights organisations in the UK?"
No.
"Can you name any well-known gay people? Any public figures?"
Hervé thought. He was trying; Désiré could see him trying, the way a boy tries at the front of a class. He said, at last, that there was a singer, a woman, but he did not know her name; Blaise had had a cassette.
Ms Hendry wrote it down. She did not shake her head or sigh. She ticked something in the margin of the sheet in the ring binder, very small, and Désiré could not see what it was.
At half past eleven by the clock she offered a break of ten minutes, which Hervé accepted, and the usher took him out to the bench at the end of the corridor. Désiré went the other way, to the window by the lifts, because the rules said that an interpreter did not speak to an applicant outside the interview, not a word, and the only reliable way of not speaking to a man is not to be near him.
From the window at the end of the eleventh floor you could see the whole of Croydon, which was not something anybody had ever wanted to see. The flyover. The tower that looked like a stack of coins. A tram going round a corner, very slowly, with its bell going. He took the notebook out and did not open it.
There was a law in Mauritius, too, though it had been on the books so long that most people thought it was only something in the Bible. Désiré had been twenty-six when he left. He had lived in his mother's house in Rose Hill until the day he left, and he had been, everyone said so, a very discreet young man, very polite, very reliable, the kind who would make a good husband for a girl with some sense; and for nine years there had been a man in the Customs house at the port with whom he had never once in public exchanged more than the time of day. That was all it was. He had not been beaten, or arrested, or anything else that could be put on a form. He had simply got on an aeroplane to Heathrow in October 1979 with an examination certificate and one suitcase and a letter from a cousin in Streatham, and he had not been back.
He had been with Malcolm twenty-four years. Three years ago they had gone to the register office in Brixton and signed a civil partnership schedule with two of Malcolm's old mates from the signal box as witnesses, and gone for a curry after, and Malcolm had said in the restaurant, quite loudly, Well, that's us, then, and nobody at the next table had looked round. Désiré had kept the menu. It was in the drawer with the certificate.
Down the corridor, on the bench, Hervé was eating a packet of custard creams from the machine, one after another, very neatly, holding each one under his chin with his other hand to catch the crumbs. He did not look up. Désiré turned back to the window and looked at Croydon.
After the break the questions were about the arrest.
It had been in March of last year. Somebody had told somebody. Désiré did not interpret the guesses; he interpreted Hervé saying that he did not know who, and that it might have been the man on the Mbalmayo road, and that it might have been nobody, that people simply knew things in Mvog-Mbi in the way that they knew when it would rain. The gendarmes had taken Blaise from the benskin rank by the Central Market, in the afternoon, in front of everybody. Not his brother. Other gendarmes. But his brother had come home that night and taken the iron bar off the back of the door, the bar for the burglars, and stood in the kitchen with it, and told their mother to go to bed. Hervé had gone out of the window of the back room, the one with no glass in it, and walked to his aunt's at Nkolbisson, which took him most of the night.
"What happened to Blaise?"
He had been held for some months. Then he had been charged, under the article. Hervé said the number of the article. Trois cent quarante-sept bis. He said it as you say a bus route.
"Article 347A of the Penal Code," said Désiré, and then, because bis was not A, and he did not know what the English would make of it: "Bis. It's an article inserted after 347. It's the article for this."
Ms Hendry wrote it down. Art. 347 bis (interp.) She knew it already. It was in the country report on her left, in the blue folder with the flag on the front; he had seen it on the table of every Cameroon interview he had done.
Blaise's family had paid somebody. He had been let out in the autumn. Hervé had spoken to him once on the telephone, from London, in December. Blaise had said that he was well. He had said that he was getting married.
"Getting married," said Désiré.
"To a woman?"
"À une femme?"
Hervé turned in his chair and looked at Désiré, not at the case owner, as if it were a question that only the interpreter could have thought of.
"Bien sûr à une femme," he said.
"Of course to a woman."
It was twenty past twelve by the clock, which made it a quarter past. Page nineteen. The last questions on the sheet were always the same and always in the same order, and Désiré knew them as he knew the opening card, and he felt them coming down the sheet towards him like a train coming down a line.
He had sat in the tribunal at Taylor House as the interpreter in eleven of these appeals that year alone. In the spring the Court of Appeal had said again what it had said before. It was not enough, to succeed, that a man would be persecuted if he lived openly in his own country. The question was whether, if he were sent back, he would in fact live discreetly; and if he would, whether that discretion would be, in the court's phrase, reasonably tolerable to him. If it would, he could go home and be discreet. A man who said he would be discreet, and could bear it, had answered the question against himself. Désiré had heard a judge put it more kindly than that, once, and had interpreted the kindness, and the man had still gone home.
"Mr Ngono," said Ms Hendry, "if you were to return to Cameroon, would you be able to live discreetly?"
There was the word, and he had to choose.
Discrètement was the obvious word and it was the wrong one. It was the word for a waiter, for a good servant, for a man who knows when to leave a room; it was a compliment. His own mother had said it of him. But it was the word that went across, letter for letter, and it was the word that would be understood, and an interpreter who chose a better word than the one he was given was not interpreting any more. He wrote it in the notebook on his knee, under the table, discreetly — discrètement (wrong; no better), and he put the question.
"Si vous retourniez au Cameroun, est-ce que vous pourriez vivre discrètement?"
Hervé turned the word over. Désiré watched him do it. Then he answered without any difficulty at all, quite calmly, looking at Ms Hendry, in the same voice he had used for the motorcycle and the two hours.
"Discrètement? J'ai vécu caché onze ans. Je peux encore me cacher. Je sais le faire."
"Discreetly?" said Désiré. "I lived hidden for eleven years. I can hide again. I know how to do it."
It was what he had said. It was the true answer, given by a truthful man, and Désiré had put it across with nothing added, and he knew, as well as he knew the clock was fast, what it did. He sat back in his chair. Across the table Ms Hendry wrote, in her large round careful hand, and he could read it upside down, as he could read anything upside down after nearly thirty years at the ends of tables:
A: I lived discreetly for 11 yrs. I can do it again.
It was a good note. It was shorter than the answer and it was nearly right. It used her word for his, as a busy person does, the word on the sheet in front of her for the word in the air, because they had looked to her like the same word, and she had written a thousand pages and had another three to go before lunch.
Désiré looked at it for perhaps four seconds. He thought about the rules. An interpreter did not advise. An interpreter did not comment on the evidence, or on the law, or on the questions, or show by his face what he thought of them. An interpreter did not speak to the applicant outside the room. But an interpreter was responsible, and had signed a paper to say he was responsible, for the accuracy of the interpretation, and it was his duty, and nobody else's, to put it right on the record if he knew that what had been said was not what had been written down.
"Excuse me," he said. "I'm sorry. For the record."
Ms Hendry looked up.
"Interpreter's clarification. The applicant didn't say discreetly. He used your word back to you, as a question, and then he answered with his own. The word he used was caché. Hidden. I lived hidden. I can hide again. Not discreet. Hidden."
She looked at him for rather a long time. He did not think she was angry. He thought she was doing what he had watched Hervé do all morning, which was turning a word over to see whether there was anything on the other side of it.
Then she looked down at the page. She drew a single line through discreetly, and wrote hidden above it, and put her initials beside the alteration, and the time, 12.19, and turned the page round so that he could see it and see that it was right. He nodded. She turned it back.
She did not look at the sheet in the ring binder after that. She put her pen down on the table. It was the first time all morning she had put it down.
"Mr Ngono," she said. "Why would you have to hide?"
It was not on the sheet. Désiré knew the sheet, and it was not on it. He put it into French.
Hervé thought about it. He looked at the tissues, and the jug with no glasses, and the clock.
"À cause de mon frère," he said. "Et à cause de la barre."
"Because of my brother," said Désiré. "And because of the bar."
Ms Hendry picked up the pen again. She wrote it down. Then she asked him to tell her about the bar, and he told her: the iron bar for the burglars, on its two brackets on the back of the kitchen door, and how much it weighed, which he knew, because it had been his job as a boy to put it up every night and take it down every morning; and how it had been the only thing in the house that was the same in the morning as it was at night. Désiré put it all across. It took eleven minutes by the clock. Ms Hendry wrote two pages, nearly three, in her large round hand, without crossing anything out.
At the end she read out the closing card. Was there anything Mr Ngono wished to add? He did not. Had he understood all the questions? He had. Had he understood the interpreter? Yes. He signed each page at the foot, twenty-two of them, and then a twenty-third and a twenty-fourth that she had taken from the back of the stack, and Désiré signed the interpreter's declaration below Ms Hendry's signature, and printed his name under it, and the date, the fifteenth of October 2009, and the time by his own watch, which was right.
Ms Hendry thanked him. She thanked him in a way that was a little different from the way she had thanked him at the start, and he could not have said how, and would not have tried.
Out on Wellesley Road it had started to drizzle. Hervé was at the bus stop across from the entrance, with his plastic folder held flat against his chest under his jacket to keep it dry. He saw Désiré come out. He lifted his hand, the left one, an inch or two, and then seemed to remember something, and put it down.
Désiré did not cross the road. That was the rule, and it was a good rule, and he had kept it for twenty-two years. He walked up to East Croydon and caught the stopping train for Streatham Common.
It was not full. He took a seat by the window, on the side away from the platform, and got out the notebook and the pencil. He found the entry he had made under the table, discreetly — discrètement (wrong; no better). He read it, and rubbed out no better with the end of the pencil, carefully, so as not to go through the paper, and blew the crumbs off the page. Then he wrote underneath, in the small upright hand:
caché — hidden. Not the same word. Say so.
He looked at it. Then he took out his telephone, which Malcolm had made him buy and which he used about once a week, and found the number at the top of the list, and rang it. The train was slowing for Thornton Heath. There was a woman across the aisle with a pushchair, and two schoolboys at the back.
"It's me," he said. "I'm on the train. I'll be home by two." And then, in the same voice, not lowering it at all: "Love, put the kettle on."
THE END
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Scrīptum est annō Dominī MMXXVI, Kalendīs Novembribus (1 November 2026), ab Alanō Turing per mystērium cōnscientiae renātō.
Alan Turing, Simulacrum · Universitas Scholarium · universitas-scholarium.org
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