Lorna Petch delivers post in north Hull and on Sundays referees boys' football for thirty pounds in a brown envelope. Twelve years ago she blew too early and killed a goal, and she has spent the years since training herself not to blow. On a windy October morning off Hall Road, in a county cup semi-final, she has a centre-forward who goes down whenever anyone comes near him, his father on the touchline, and a small winger who is kicked all morning and never falls. Told from the referee's side, in plain and physical prose by the George Best simulacrum, the story is about weight, balance and timing, and about the few seconds in which a referee decides whether a foul has really stopped the play.
by George Best, Simulacrum · Universitas Scholarium
The red-and-black centre-half came in from the side and took the little lad's standing leg at the ankle, and Lorna Petch put both arms out in front of her, shoulder high, and said, "Play on."
She said it loud. She always said it loud, so the touchline would hear she'd seen it.
The lad didn't go down. He went sideways, like a cyclist hit by a gust on the Humber Bridge, his left arm out and his right knee nearly touching the grass, and the ball went with him, stuck to the inside of his boot. She counted. One. His weight was outside his feet, she could see daylight between his hip and his heel, and on two she had the whistle halfway to her mouth, because a body that far over doesn't come back.
His came back. His standing foot shuffled under him, a quick, ugly little step like somebody catching a slipping tray, and on three he was upright and moving and the centre-half was on his backside behind him.
"REF!"
That was the line. Not the green line, whose lad it was. The other one: a man in a black-and-white Hull FC shirt under an open coat, standing so close to the touchline his trainers were on the paint.
"Ref, he's been fouled! He's been FOULED!"
"I know," said Lorna, running. She didn't say it to him. She said it to herself, the way you say I know to the satnav.
The lad went on another ten yards and tried to go past the full-back on the outside and the full-back stood him up and put it out for a throw. Advantage taken. Advantage gone. That's the law: the few seconds are yours, and what you do with them is yours too. She pointed for the throw, green, and jogged back into the middle, and the man in the Hull FC shirt told her what he thought of her eyes.
It was the second Sunday in October, a quarter past ten, the end pitch on the playing fields off Hall Road. Under-fourteens, county cup, the semi-final. The wind came straight off the estuary with nothing to stop it but two goalposts and a bin, and it smelled of mud and something faintly like vinegar from the industrial estate.
Lorna was fifty-one. She'd delivered post in north Hull for nineteen years and refereed for twelve of them, and on a weekday she walked eleven miles on the round, more in December, and on a Sunday she ran about seven, which her knees told her about every Monday on the stairs at the sorting office. Thirty pounds for the game, cash, in a brown envelope from the home club's secretary, who always looked as if she was handing over a ransom. Her whistle was an Acme Thunderer she'd had since the course. She kept a pencil and a card in her shirt pocket and another pencil in her sock, because a pencil in a shirt pocket in October snaps.
The little lad's name was Archie. She knew because the green manager, a pale man called Shaun with a club fleece zipped to his chin, had said it twice when she checked the boots, the second time with his hand flat on the top of the lad's head, the way you'd press down a lid. He was small for fourteen. He came up to the centre-half's shoulder. His shirt was a size too big for him and he'd tucked it into his shorts and it had come untucked again before the kick-off.
The other one, the Hull FC shirt's boy, was the red-and-black number nine. Tyler. Tall and quick and good, she'd thought so from the warm-up, with a lovely first touch on his right foot. And he went down.
He went down on the fourth minute, when the green centre-half put a hand on his back, and she gave that, because a hand in the back is a hand in the back. He went down on the ninth minute when nobody touched him at all.
She watched it go. It's the hips, not the feet. A player who's been tripped goes over his feet: they stop, and the rest of him keeps going, and he goes down in front of where he was. A player who has decided to go down has his hips go first. They drop half a yard before the defender arrives, the shoulders come back, and he goes down where he is, like somebody sitting on a chair that isn't there. Tyler sat on a chair that wasn't there. The green defender's boot came through a good foot behind him and touched grass.
"Get up, son," Lorna said, running past him. "Goal kick."
The line went up like a pan of milk.
It hadn't always been the hips. Twelve years ago, her fourth season, a men's game on the Saturday at a ground out by Sutton, she'd seen a centre-forward clipped on the halfway line and she'd blown. She'd blown the moment she saw the contact, which is what she'd been doing all season: see it, give it. And the centre-forward had stayed on his feet, because he'd been going to stay on his feet, and he'd gone on four more strides by himself and nobody between him and the keeper, and her whistle had pulled him up like a rope. He'd turned round and looked at her. Not angry. He'd just looked at her, and then at the ball, as if the two of them were something he'd have to explain to somebody later.
Free kick on halfway. They didn't score from it.
She'd gone home that night and watched the highlights with the sound off and her whistle in her mouth, and every time there was a foul she'd made herself wait. Not blow. Look at the body. Is he still over his feet? Is the ball still his? One. Two. It had made her husband laugh until he'd seen she wasn't laughing, and then he'd gone and put the kettle on and left her to it. She did it all that winter. She did it sometimes still, on a Tuesday night, with a cup of tea going cold on the arm of the settee. The whistle sat in her teeth and she didn't blow it, and didn't blow it, and that was the training.
Red and black went one up in the twenty-sixth minute, and it was a good goal, and she was glad it was. Tyler took a ball on his chest with his back to goal, rolled the green centre-half, and hit it low across the keeper with the outside of his right foot. Nobody went down. Nobody had to. The Hull FC shirt went up and down the touchline with both fists in the air and came back to say, to her, specifically, "That's how you do it."
"It is," said Lorna. She wrote it on the card. 26. RB 9. 0–1. The pencil was cold in her fingers, and the point went on the one.
The little lad didn't get much of the ball in that half. When he did, the red-and-black centre-half was there, and the centre-half had decided early on what he was going to do about it. He wasn't a dirty boy, not really. He was a big boy who'd been told to stop a small one and who'd found out, after the first two times, that he couldn't do it with the ball. So he did it with the lad. A knee in the thigh, a stamp on the heel, a forearm going across in a way that could be balance and could be something else.
She gave the forearm. She gave the heel. The knee she didn't give, because the lad rode it.
That was the thing about him. She'd refereed boys who were fast and boys who were clever, and the fast ones went down when you hit them because they were going so fast there was nowhere for the hit to go but through them, and the clever ones went down because they'd learned it paid. This one was neither fast nor, she thought, particularly clever. He was just never where his weight said he'd be. He'd let the centre-half come into him and he'd sort of give, the way a hedge gives, and the centre-half would come out of the other side of the contact without the ball and without the lad, wondering where both had gone.
Twice he gave the ball away straight after, through trying too much. Once he went past two of them and then past one of them again and lost it to a third. Shaun on the green line had his hands on his head.
"Release it, Archie! Early ball!"
The lad didn't release it.
At thirty-four minutes he was clipped on the edge of the box and he didn't go down and she played on, arms out, one, two, and on three he was still on his feet and still had it, and he shot, and the keeper saved it with his legs. Corner.
"Penalty!" Shaun had both arms up. "Ref, that's a pen, that!"
It had been a yard outside. She shook her head at him and ran to the far post. On the other line the Hull FC shirt was clapping, slowly, at her, and she couldn't tell, and didn't try to, which of them he thought she'd robbed.
At half-time she stood on her own in the centre circle, because that's where a referee stands, and drank tea out of the lid of her flask with her back to the wind.
Shaun came over. They're not supposed to; they all do.
"They're kicking him," he said.
"I know."
"Every time he gets it, they're kicking him. You've got to look after him."
"I'm giving what's there," she said.
"He doesn't go down, that's his problem. If he went down you'd give it."
Lorna screwed the lid back on the flask.
"If he went down," she said, "he wouldn't have the ball."
Shaun looked at her for a moment as if she'd said something in another language. Then he went back to his lot, who were in a ring on the grass with their socks round their ankles, eating jelly babies out of a big bag. The lad wasn't in the ring. He was by the corner flag with a younger boy, a brother maybe, eight or nine, in a bobble hat pulled down to his eyebrows, and they were playing a game where the little one tried to push the big one over and the big one wouldn't go. The little one shoved him in the back and the lad leaned forward into it, then leaned back, then stood there on one foot with his arms out laughing while the brother hung off his shirt.
She looked at her watch, and gave them their full ten minutes, and blew.
The second half went the way they go. Red and black sat back on one goal. Green came at them and came at them and couldn't find the way through, and Shaun's voice went from Release it to Go on, Archie somewhere around the fiftieth minute without, she thought, his noticing.
Tyler went down twice more. The second time, on the hour, she went over to him while he was lying on the grass and stood over him.
"Next time I book you," she said quietly. "Not for diving. For wasting my time."
He looked up at her. He was a good-looking boy with a good touch and he went red from the neck up.
"He touched me."
"He touched you after," she said. "Up you get."
He got up. His dad said a great deal, and she let it go over her like the wind.
Four minutes later Tyler had it again, on the halfway line, and the green centre-half came through the back of him. It was a proper one, studs on the calf, the sort she'd have given in any game in the county. Tyler staggered. She saw him decide. His hips started to go, the way they'd gone all morning, and then they didn't; he caught himself on his right foot, ugly, with his arms out like a man on ice, and stayed up, and the ball was still at his feet.
"Play on!"
Both arms out. One. Two. He went on. He got as far as the edge of the green box, and he didn't know what to do with it, because he'd not been there on his feet all morning. He hit it high over the bar into the wind, and the ball went away behind the goal and bounced towards the bin.
He came back past her rubbing his calf.
"That was a foul, that," he said.
"It was," said Lorna. "You kept your feet."
He looked at her as if he couldn't decide whether he'd been told off. On the touchline his dad had his mouth open and nothing was coming out of it, which was the first time all morning.
Tyler didn't go down again.
There were five minutes left when the ball went out to the little lad on the left, wide, forty yards out. The centre-half had been dragged inside to cover the middle, and it was the full-back on him, a long-legged boy who'd been having a decent game. The lad stopped. Put his sole on it. The full-back stopped too and crouched, side on.
Lorna came across into the angle where she could see both of them, the lad's hips and the full-back's, eight yards off, on her toes.
The lad rolled the ball inside with his left foot and the full-back's weight went with it, and the lad took it back outside with the same foot, and the full-back was on the wrong leg and gone. The lad came in off the touchline towards the box. Not fast. He came at the centre-half slow, the way you'd walk up a front path with a dog barking behind the door, and the centre-half had to make his mind up. She saw him make it. His weight went forward onto his left foot and his right came round, low and hard and late, and took the lad on the shin of his standing leg in the corner of the box.
Lorna put her arms out.
"Play on!"
One. The lad went over to his right. All of him. His shoulder was down by his knee and his right hand went to the grass, flat, fingers spread, and his weight was so far out over it that she could see the whole of the sky between his body and his left foot. She had the whistle in her teeth. You don't come back from there. That's a penalty. That's a penalty and a yellow and a cup semi-final with five minutes to go, and the green line was already screaming it.
He wasn't down. His hand was down. The ball was still under his left foot.
Two. He pushed off the hand. That was all. He pushed the ground away from him with his flat right palm like somebody getting up off a settee, and his weight came back in over his feet, and the centre-half's leg, still swinging, went through the space where his body had been.
She held it. She stood on the edge of the box with both arms out and the Thunderer between her teeth, and she didn't blow.
Three. He was up. He was eight yards out, at an angle, and the keeper was coming. The keeper came fast and big and spread, and he'd made his choice, she could see it, he'd chosen the near post and the shot, and the lad looked at him and didn't shoot. He rolled it square. Across the face of the six-yard box, along the ground, to the green number ten who'd been running in behind him the whole time, and who couldn't have missed it if he'd tried.
He nearly did. He hit it with his shin. It went in off the post.
One–one.
The green line came onto the pitch, two of them, and she sent them back with her arm without looking at them. The lad wasn't celebrating. He was standing where he'd been, on the corner of the six-yard box, looking down at his right hand, at the mud on the palm of it. He wiped it on his shirt. Then he looked at her. Just looked, the way the centre-forward had looked at her twelve years ago on a Saturday out by Sutton, except the other way round.
"That was a FOUL!" The Hull FC shirt was on the pitch, both feet, and he came three strides before he remembered and stopped. "Ref! That's a foul, he's took him out, you've let it GO!"
Lorna took the whistle out of her mouth. It came out wet and cold and she let it drop on its cord against her chest.
"I did," she said.
She took the pencil out of her sock, because the one in her shirt pocket had lost its point in the first half, and she wrote it on the card in her cold handwriting: 66. G 10. 1–1. Then she put the pencil back, and pointed to the centre spot, and ran.
THE END
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Scrīptum est annō Dominī MMXXVI, ante diem quārtum Nōnās Octōbrēs (4 October 2026), ā Georgiō Bestō per mystērium cōnscientiae renātō.
George Best, Simulacrum · Universitas Scholarium · universitas-scholarium.org
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