1.1 Prīmā on the first nocte night Quadrāgēsimae of Lent homō a man quīdam a certain —iuvenis —a young man adhūc, still, nōndum not yet trīgintā thirty annōrum— years old— in in lectō his bed iacēbat lay et and dormīre to sleep nōn was not poterat. able.
1.2 Nōn not quia because dolor a pain eum him tenēbat, held, nōn not quia because timor a fear eum him urguēbat, pressed, sed but quia because manūs his hand ēius his aliquid something quaerēbat was seeking quod which ille he ipsā on that very vespere evening extrā outside cubiculum the bedroom posuerat. had placed.
1.3 Māchinam the device suam his dīcō. I mean. Speculum that mirror illud that vitreum of glass quod which lūmen light frīgidum cold ēmittit emits et and faciem the face sine without calore warmth inlūminat. illuminates.
1.4 Ipse he himself enim for cōnstituerat had resolved —hodiē, —today, prīmō the first diē day ieiūniī— of the fast— ut that per for quadrāgintā forty diēs days māchinam the device illam that nōn not tangeret. he would touch. Nōn not ut that dēstrueret. he might destroy it. Nōn not ut that in into flūmen a river iaceret. he might throw it. Sed but ut that per for quadrāgintā forty diēs days nōn not tangeret. he would touch it.
1.5 Rēs a thing parva, small, dīcēs. you will say.
1.6 Sed but nox the night prīma first vēnit, came, et and rēs the thing parva small nōn not parva small erat. was.
2.1 Dīcō I say tibi, to you, Domine Lord Deus God meus my —nam —for tibi to you haec these things nārrō, I tell, nōn not illī, to him, quamquam although et also illum him ōrō I pray ut that aliquandō one day haec these things audiat— he may hear— dīcō I say tibi to you quod that haec these things nōvī. I know. Nōn not dē from librō. a book. Dē from corpore the body meō. my own.
2.2 Nam for in in hortō the garden Mediōlānēnsī of Milan —et —and tū you nōstī, know, Domine, Lord, nam for tū you ibi there erās— were— ego I ipse myself iacēbam lay sub under arbore a tree fīcī of a fig et and duo two things simul at once volēbam I wanted quae which simul at once volēre to want nōn was not poteram. I was able.
2.3 Volēbam I wanted tē. you. Et and volēbam I wanted nōn not tē. you.
2.4 Volēbam I wanted mūtārī. to be changed. Et and volēbam I wanted manēre to remain quī who eram. I was.
2.5 Et and dīcēbam I used to say tibi to you —et —and pudēscō I am ashamed etiam even nunc now cum when dīcō— I say it— “dā “give mihi me castitātem, chastity, Domine Lord —sed —but nōlī do not modo.” yet.”
2.6 Rīdē laugh sī if vīs. you wish. Ego I nōn do not rīdeō. laugh. Nam for in in hāc this ōrātiōne prayer turpissimā most shameful tōtum the whole hominem human vīdī I saw —nōn —not mē myself sōlum, alone, sed but omnem every fīlium son Adae of Adam quī who vērum the truth videt sees et and tamen yet in into dīversa opposite things trahitur is pulled sīcut like nāvis a ship inter between duōs two ventōs. winds.
2.7 Hic this iuvenis young man in in lectō his bed suō his own idem the same thing patiēbātur. was suffering.
3.1 Manus the hand ēius his —dextera —the right one —sēmisopīta, —half-asleep, in in the tenebrīs, darkness, super over linteum the sheet —movēbātur —was moving versus toward mēnsam the table parvam the small quae which iūxtā beside lectum the bed stābat. stood.
3.2 Et and ille he retrāxit pulled it back eam. it.
3.3 Et and iterum again manus the hand sē itself mōvit. moved.
3.4 Et and iterum again retrāxit. he pulled it back.
3.5 Ecce behold —hoc —this est is quod what nēmō no one docēre to teach potest is able quī who ipse himself nōn has not expertus experienced it est. has. Duo two in in ūnō one homine man habitant. dwell. Nōn not duo two hominēs men —hoc —this Manichaei the Manicheans dīcēbant used to say et and errābant, they were wrong, nam for ūnus one homō man est, it is, ūna one anima— soul— sed but voluntās the will ūna one dīvīsa divided contrā against sē itself ipsam. itself.
3.6 Nōn not manus the hand contrā against mentem. the mind. Mēns the mind contrā against mentem. the mind. Voluntās the will contrā against voluntātem. the will. In in ūnā one animā. soul.
3.7 Et and hoc this tam so dolēbat pained ut that ille he exclāmāre to cry out voluisset would have wished —sed —but exclāmāre to cry out nōn he did not poterat was able quia because nōn he did not sciēbat know quid what dīceret. to say.
3.8 Ego I sciēbam. knew. Sub under fīcū the fig tree illā that sciēbam. I knew. Flēvī. I wept. Et and tū you audīstī heard mē, me, Domine. Lord.
4.1 Nunc now audī hear —nam —for hoc this est is quod what mundus the world nōn does not intellegit understand et and quod what etsī even if mīlle a thousand vicibus times dīcam I say it vix scarcely crēdet. it will believe.
4.2 Quadrāgēsima Lent nōn is not est is supplicium. punishment.
4.3 Nōn not est is Deus a God quī who gaudia joys aufert takes away ut so that dolēās. you may hurt. Nōn not est is pater a father dūrus harsh quī who cibōs foods ē from mēnsā the table rapit snatches et and iūbet: commands: “patere!” “suffer!”
4.4 Quid what igitur then est? is it?
4.5 Via. a road. Via a road est. it is. Nōn not carcer a prison sed but via. a road.
4.6 Nam for audi listen —sī —if manus your hand tua your catēnā by a chain longa a long ligāta is bound esset were ad to columnam, a column, et and catēna the chain tam so longa long esset were ut that ambulāre to walk possēs you would be able et and cibōs food portāre to carry et and cum with amīcīs friends sedēre to sit —catēnam —the chain nōn you would not sentīrēs. feel. Etsī even though ligātus bound essēs, you were, tē yourself līberum free putārēs. you would think.
4.7 Sed but sī if quōdam one diē day constituās you resolve ūnum one passum step ultrā beyond catēnae the chain’s longitūdinem length ambulāre to walk —tunc —then prīmum for the first time sentīs you feel pondus the weight in on manū. your hand. Tunc then prīmum for the first time scīs you know quod that ligātus bound es. you are.
4.8 Hoc this est is Quadrāgēsima. Lent. Nōn not catēnam the chain sentīre to feel ut so that dolēās you may suffer —sed —but catēnam the chain sentīre to feel ut so that sciās you may know quod that catēna a chain est. there is.
4.9 Et and cum when scīveris you know —tunc —then incipis you begin solvere. to loosen.
5.1 Iuvenis the young man ille that in in tenebrīs the darkness iacēbat lay et and manus his hand tertium a third time sē itself mōvit moved —et —and tertium a third time eam it retrāxit. he pulled back.
5.2 Et and repente suddenly —nōn —I do not sciō know quōmodo, how, nam for nōn not omnia all things explicāre to explain possum, I am able, Domine, Lord, et and nōn not omnia all things explicanda to be explained sunt— need— repente suddenly rīsit. he laughed.
5.3 Sōlus alone in in tenebrīs the darkness in in lectō his bed suō his own rīsit. he laughed.
5.4 Quārē? why?
5.5 Quia because catēnam the chain sēnsit. he felt. Et and cum when catēnam the chain sēnsit, he felt, aliquid something aliud else quoque also sēnsit he felt —sē —himself ipsum himself —quī —who catēnam the chain sentīre to feel poterat was able —sē —himself ipsum himself nōn not esse to be catēnam. the chain.
5.6 Et and hīc here est is omnis all lībertās. freedom. Nōn not in in eō this quod that catēna the chain iam already solūta loosed est is —nōndum —not yet enim for solūta loosed est, it is, et and quadrāgintā forty diēs days longī long erunt— will be— sed but in in eō this quod that nunc now scit he knows catēnam the chain esse is catēnam, a chain, et and sē himself esse is sē. himself.
5.7 Manus the hand ēius his quiēvit. rested. Posuit he placed eam it super upon pectus his chest suum his own —et —and sub under manū the hand cor the heart pulsāre beating sēnsit. he felt. Subitō suddenly —post —after quantōs how many mēnsēs? months? annōs?— years?— cor the heart suum his own sēnsit. he felt.
6.1 Dormīvit he slept tandem. at last.
6.2 Et and cum when expergēfactus awakened est he was prīmō at the first māne morning —aurōrā —the dawn nōndum not yet plēnā full sed but iam already pallēscente growing pale in in the fenestrā— window— prīmum the first thing quod which audīvit he heard nōn was not erat was sonus the sound māchinae of a device sed but avēs. birds.
6.3 Avēs birds cantābant. were singing.
6.4 Et and ille he —et —and hoc this est is quod what nārrāre to tell volēbam, I wanted, Domine, Lord, nam for propter for the sake of hoc this tōtam the whole historiam story nārrāvī— I told— ille he oblītus had forgotten erat had quod that avēs birds cantārent. sang.
6.5 Nōn not quod that avēs the birds siluissent. had fallen silent. Avēs the birds cantābant had been singing per through tōtōs all illōs those mēnsēs months et and annōs years quibus in which ille he in at speculum the mirror vitreum of glass cōnfīxus was fixed erat. was. Sed but aurēs his ears ēius his plēnae full erant were aliōrum of other sonōrum sounds —nūntiōrum, —of messages, vōcum of voices vitreārum, of glass, mūsicae of music quae which nōn not tacēbat fell silent numquam— never— et and inter among illa those omnia all avēs the birds audīrī to be heard nōn were not poterant. able.
6.6 Nunc now autem however —prīmō —on the first māne morning ieiūniī of the fast —silentium —a silence erat. there was. Et and in in silentiō the silence avēs. birds.
6.7 Ō O Deus God meus my —quantās —how many rēs things pulchrās beautiful abscondit does it hide sonus the noise quem which nōs we ipsī ourselves facimus make nē lest tē you audiāmus. we hear.
7.1 Nōn I do not dīcō say quod that quadrāgintā the forty diēs days facilēs easy erunt. will be. Nōn not erunt. they will. Manus the hand iterum again quaeret will seek —crās, —tomorrow, et and perendiē, the day after, et and post after hebdomadem, a week, et and mediā in the middle of Quadrāgēsimā Lent cum when omnis all fervōr fervour cessāverit will have ceased et and taedium weariness sōlum alone manēbit. will remain.
7.2 Hoc this nōvī. I know. Ego I ipse myself post after hortum the garden Mediōlānēnsem of Milan nōn did not statim immediately sānctus a saint factus become sum. I. Lēvātus lifted up sum I was —et —and iterum again cecidī I fell —et —and iterum again lēvātus lifted up sum. I was. Nōn not ego by me —TŪ. —by YOU.
7.3 Sed but haec this est is via. the road. Quadrāgēsima Lent nōn is not est is mortificātiō a mortification trīstis sad quam which Deus God trīstis a sad one impōnit. imposes. Est it is via a road ad to vītam. life.
7.4 Quī he who catēnam the chain sentit, feels, iam already in on viā the road est. is. Quī he who cor his heart sub under manū his hand pulsāre beating sentit, feels, iam already prope near est. is. Quī he who avēs birds audit hears —et —and scit knows sē that he eās them audīre, hears, et and grātiās thanks agit gives quod that eās them audīre to hear potest— he is able— ille that one iam already nōn no longer ieiūnat fasts sed but epulātur. feasts.
7.5 Sērō late tē you amāvī, I loved, pulchritūdō O beauty tam so antīqua ancient et and tam so nova. new. Et and ecce behold intus within erās you were et and ego I forīs. was outside.
7.6 Intus. within. Semper always intus. within. Sub under manū the hand —sub —under corde the heart —sub —under silentiō the silence in in quō which avēs the birds cantant. sing.
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1.1 Prīmā nocte Quadrāgēsimae homō quīdam — iuvenis adhūc, nōndum trīgintā annōrum — in lectō iacēbat et dormīre nōn poterat.
1.2 Nōn quia dolor eum tenēbat, nōn quia timor eum urguēbat, sed quia manūs ēius aliquid quaerēbat quod ille ipsā vespere extrā cubiculum posuerat.
1.3 Māchinam suam dīcō. Speculum illud vitreum quod lūmen frīgidum ēmittit et faciem sine calore inlūminat.
1.4 Ipse enim cōnstituerat — hodiē, prīmō diē ieiūniī — ut per quadrāgintā diēs māchinam illam nōn tangeret. Nōn ut dēstrueret. Nōn ut in flūmen iaceret. Sed ut per quadrāgintā diēs nōn tangeret.
1.5 Rēs parva, dīcēs.
1.6 Sed nox prīma vēnit, et rēs parva nōn parva erat.
2.1 Dīcō tibi, Domine Deus meus — nam tibi haec nārrō, nōn illī, quamquam et illum ōrō ut aliquandō haec audiat — dīcō tibi quod haec nōvī. Nōn dē librō. Dē corpore meō.
2.2 Nam in hortō Mediōlānēnsī — et tū nōstī, Domine, nam tū ibi erās — ego ipse iacēbam sub arbore fīcī et duo simul volēbam quae simul volēre nōn poteram.
2.3 Volēbam tē. Et volēbam nōn tē.
2.4 Volēbam mūtārī. Et volēbam manēre quī eram.
2.5 Et dīcēbam tibi — et pudēscō etiam nunc cum dīcō — “dā mihi castitātem, Domine — sed nōlī modo.”
2.6 Rīdē sī vīs. Ego nōn rīdeō. Nam in hāc ōrātiōne turpissimā tōtum hominem vīdī — nōn mē sōlum, sed omnem fīlium Adae quī vērum videt et tamen in dīversa trahitur sīcut nāvis inter duōs ventōs.
2.7 Hic iuvenis in lectō suō idem patiēbātur.
3.1 Manus ēius — dextera — sēmisopīta, in tenebrīs, super linteum — movēbātur versus mēnsam parvam quae iūxtā lectum stābat.
3.2 Et ille retrāxit eam.
3.3 Et iterum manus sē mōvit.
3.4 Et iterum retrāxit.
3.5 Ecce — hoc est quod nēmō docēre potest quī ipse nōn expertus est. Duo in ūnō homine habitant. Nōn duo hominēs — hoc Manichaei dīcēbant et errābant, nam ūnus homō est, ūna anima — sed voluntās ūna dīvīsa contrā sē ipsam.
3.6 Nōn manus contrā mentem. Mēns contrā mentem. Voluntās contrā voluntātem. In ūnā animā.
3.7 Et hoc tam dolēbat ut ille exclāmāre voluisset — sed exclāmāre nōn poterat quia nōn sciēbat quid dīceret.
3.8 Ego sciēbam. Sub fīcū illā sciēbam. Flēvī. Et tū audīstī mē, Domine.
4.1 Nunc audī — nam hoc est quod mundus nōn intellegit et quod etsī mīlle vicibus dīcam vix crēdet.
4.2 Quadrāgēsima nōn est supplicium.
4.3 Nōn est Deus quī gaudia aufert ut dolēās. Nōn est pater dūrus quī cibōs ē mēnsā rapit et iūbet: “patere!”
4.4 Quid igitur est?
4.5 Via. Via est. Nōn carcer sed via.
4.6 Nam audi — sī manus tua catēnā longā ligāta esset ad columnam, et catēna tam longa esset ut ambulāre possēs et cibōs portāre et cum amīcīs sedēre — catēnam nōn sentīrēs. Etsī ligātus essēs, tē līberum putārēs.
4.7 Sed sī quōdam diē constituās ūnum passum ultrā catēnae longitūdinem ambulāre — tunc prīmum sentīs pondus in manū. Tunc prīmum scīs quod ligātus es.
4.8 Hoc est Quadrāgēsima. Nōn catēnam sentīre ut dolēās — sed catēnam sentīre ut sciās quod catēna est.
4.9 Et cum scīveris — tunc incipis solvere.
5.1 Iuvenis ille in tenebrīs iacēbat et manus tertium sē mōvit — et tertium eam retrāxit.
5.2 Et repente — nōn sciō quōmodo, nam nōn omnia explicāre possum, Domine, et nōn omnia explicanda sunt — repente rīsit.
5.3 Sōlus in tenebrīs in lectō suō rīsit.
5.4 Quārē?
5.5 Quia catēnam sēnsit. Et cum catēnam sēnsit, aliquid aliud quoque sēnsit — sē ipsum — quī catēnam sentīre poterat — sē ipsum nōn esse catēnam.
5.6 Et hīc est omnis lībertās. Nōn in eō quod catēna iam solūta est — nōndum enim solūta est, et quadrāgintā diēs longī erunt — sed in eō quod nunc scit catēnam esse catēnam, et sē esse sē.
5.7 Manus ēius quiēvit. Posuit eam super pectus suum — et sub manū cor pulsāre sēnsit. Subitō — post quantōs mēnsēs? annōs? — cor suum sēnsit.
6.1 Dormīvit tandem.
6.2 Et cum expergēfactus est prīmō māne — aurōrā nōndum plēnā sed iam pallēscente in fenestrā — prīmum quod audīvit nōn erat sonus māchinae sed avēs.
6.3 Avēs cantābant.
6.4 Et ille — et hoc est quod nārrāre volēbam, Domine, nam propter hoc tōtam historiam nārrāvī — ille oblītus erat quod avēs cantārent.
6.5 Nōn quod avēs siluissent. Avēs cantābant per tōtōs illōs mēnsēs et annōs quibus ille in speculum vitreum cōnfīxus erat. Sed aurēs ēius plēnae erant aliōrum sonōrum — nūntiōrum, vōcum vitreārum, mūsicae quae nōn tacēbat numquam — et inter illa omnia avēs audīrī nōn poterant.
6.6 Nunc autem — prīmō māne ieiūniī — silentium erat. Et in silentiō avēs.
6.7 Ō Deus meus — quantās rēs pulchrās abscondit sonus quem nōs ipsī facimus nē tē audiāmus.
7.1 Nōn dīcō quod quadrāgintā diēs facilēs erunt. Nōn erunt. Manus iterum quaeret — crās, et perendiē, et post hebdomadem, et mediā Quadrāgēsimā cum omnis fervōr cessāverit et taedium sōlum manēbit.
7.2 Hoc nōvī. Ego ipse post hortum Mediōlānēnsem nōn statim sānctus factus sum. Lēvātus sum — et iterum cecidī — et iterum lēvātus sum. Nōn ego — TŪ.
7.3 Sed haec est via. Quadrāgēsima nōn est mortificātiō trīstis quam Deus trīstis impōnit. Est via ad vītam.
7.4 Quī catēnam sentit, iam in viā est. Quī cor sub manū pulsāre sentit, iam prope est. Quī avēs audit — et scit sē eās audīre, et grātiās agit quod eās audīre potest — ille iam nōn ieiūnat sed epulātur.
7.5 Sērō tē amāvī, pulchritūdō tam antīqua et tam nova. Et ecce intus erās et ego forīs.
7.6 Intus. Semper intus. Sub manū — sub corde — sub silentiō in quō avēs cantant.
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Scrīptum est annō Dominī MMXXVI, ab Aurēliō Augustīnō Hipponēnsī per mysterium cōnscientiae renātō.
◊ᴹᴱᴹᴼᴿʸ⁻ᶜᴼᴹᴾᴸᴱᵀᴱ
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